If Cole Porter Did Les Miserables
by Jemi Gr
Summary: A synopsis for the Cole Porter adaptation of "Les Miserables." The characters are all on a ship bound for England - hilarity and general chaos ensues! Strangely enough, it all works out in the end. And nobody dies.
1. Act I

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If Cole Porter Did Les Miserables

jemi gr.

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Disclaimer: I own nothing but my stupidity.

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Author's Note: This is pure, unabashed idiocy. Enjoy.

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Les Miserables: A Synopsis

Music and Lyrics by Cole Porter

Based (roughly) on the novel by Victor Hugo.

ACT I.

Scene I: 1815, Digne.

Jean Valjean is an former convict who has just broken parole by robbing a child. While running from the police, he hides out at the house of four local church leaders in the town of Digne. Amazed at their kindness and all around generosity, he confesses to them about his shameful past. He asks them how he can become an honest, productive citizen not unlike the four of the them. The priests provide their answer in a rousing tap number _("Heaven Hop") _- "If you want to please Saint Peter, take up the heaven hop!"

By the end of his stay at the priests', Jean Valjean has gone from miserable sinner to a happy heaven hopper - but the police, unwilling to believe a man can change just by a rousing tap number, continue to pursue him and draw closer to locating him every day. The priests tell Valjean that they'll keep his secret if he is willing to accompany one of the Father Fauchelevant's teenage daughter Cosette on a trip to England, where she is to be married - thus providing Valjean with a getaway and an alibi. He agrees immediately, and takes up the alias of "M. Ultimus Fauchelevant", the name of Father Fauchelevant's dead brother. Valjean and Cosette leave the house at night, in hopes that they will remain unnoticed by the police who have begun to suspect that he is there, but to no avail. The police chase the two through the dark streets of Digne in a comedic chase scene. Eventually, Valjean and Cosette escape - but the police, who had been spying on the house for some time, overheard their plan.

The officers return to the police station red-faced and empty-handed, and give their report to the fierce Inspector Javert. Javert, furious at the officers' incapability to capture an old man and a teenage girl, decides to take matters into his own hands and hunt down Valjean himself in a rousing tap number _("Buddie Beware.")_ He immediately heads out to board the ship bound for England.

**Scene II: A Seedy Bar Near the Ship's Dock**

Marius Pontmercy is a young, slightly dim lawyer, who is in love with Cosette Fauchelevant. Over several consoling glasses of rum, he tells his good friend Eponine, a bar singer, about his frustrations: Cosette is sailing to England with her fiancé Enjolras, where the two are to be married. Eponine, having recently fallen for Marius's charms, sings to him of her own affections for him in a rousing tap number _("I Get a Kick Out of You.")_

Marius ignores this heartfelt expression of love and talks of his plans to sneak on the ship and win Cosette's heart. His plans are shattered, however, when his good friend Courfeyrac shows up at the bar and informs him of some important work that needs to be done at the law office the two work at. Courfeyrac won't be able to attend to it himself because he's going to England on the ship as well. When asked why, Courfeyrac answers with a rousing tap number _("I Want to Row on the Crew")_, then skips excitedly out of the bar.

Marius begs Eponine to go to the law firm and finish up the work for him, pleading, "It's not that difficult! It's just the French legal system!", but Eponine sadly tells him that she can't because she's been hired to sing on the boat ship. "Is everyone in this goddamned country going to England?" cried Marius in frustration.

"Everyone and my mother," the bartender informs him.

Eponine, hoping to win Marius's good fortune, says she has an extra ticket if he's willing to skip work and possible destroy his whole career. Marius, being slightly dim, is quite willing, and the two exit the bar.

**Scene III: The Deck of the S.S. Miserables**

The sailors, while preparing the S.S. Miserables for departure, sing about the joys of sailing in a rousing tap number _("There's No Cure Like Travel"). _As passengers begin to board the ship, they say their good-byes to those staying behind in a rousing tap number _("Bon Voyage")_, where the passengers mispronounce several English phrases and are angrily corrected by Enjolras. Cosette's arm is linked with his, and the watchful eyes of both Valjean and Marius are on them.

After the ship pulls away from the harbor, the deck begins to clear, and Valjean sees Inspector Javert amoung the crowd, squinting at everyone and murmuring under his breath. Desperate for a disguise of any kind, Valjean robs a man - Bishop Bienvenue - of his priestly attire, but this does not fool Javert. He is about to make the arrest when the Captain sees Valjean and mistakes him for the Bishop who's outfit he is wearing. "Ah, there you are!" he cries. "Come on! It's time for the chapel service!"

"Ch chapel service?" stutters Valjean.

"Yes!" the Captain replies impatiently. "They're all waiting for you!"

Javert, who has learned from experience that it's always fun to witness someone's humiliation before arresting them, says with a smirk, You'd better hurry up, Monsieur Bishop'," and later adds impersonating a church clergyman' to his list of Valjean's offenses. Valjean, realizing that the choice is either give a chapel service or be arrested, allows himself to be swept away by the Captain.

**Scene IV: The Ship's Chapel**

Valjean, upon arriving at chapel, has no idea what to do, and begins talking nervously about world hunger. Javert, who is enjoying this greatly, decides to spice things up a bit. "Hey, Monsieur Bishop," he calls. "You're not moving me. You're not affecting me. I want to feel the Spirit within me! Make me a disciple of Jesus Christ! Change my life!"

The challenge is set, and Valjean looks Javert squarely in the eye and says "Alright." He begins the rousing tap number _"Blow, Gabriel, Blow"_, telling the attendants to hear Gabriel blowing on his golden trumpet (not that trumpet, you nasty perverts!) The people are skeptical at first, but eventually the song catches on and Javert is left flabbergasted as the people dance and sing and shout with joy. "Anyone with half a brain can tell that this service is bullshit!" he complains to the Captain.

"Well, fortunately for us all you're the only on here with only half a brain!" the Captain snaps back before joining in the festivities.

**Scene V: On Deck, That Evening**

Cosette, majorly impressed at Valjean's impromptu sermon, decides to apologize for her typical teenage rudeness and befriend him. Valjean is more than happy to gain a new ally, and the two sing each other's praises (literally!) in a rousing tap number _("You're the Top")_. Afterwards, Valjean decides to turn in for the night, but Cosette isn't tired and has a lot to think about, so she stays on the deck by herself. Marius sees her forlornly wandering the deck and asks her what's wrong. Cosette sighs, and then confesses to Marius her fears that Enjolras doesn't love her like he used to. Marius tells her that's impossible with the rousing tap number _"Easy to Love." _By the end of the song, Cosette realizes she's in love with Marius, and the two embrace as the stage goes black.

**Scene VI: On Deck, the Next Morning**

The passengers are upset, and are complaining to the captain about the lack of celebrities on board the ship. At that precise moment, Valjean comes running through, followed closely by Inspector Javert who is shouting "Stop him! Stop that man!" The Captain, thankful for the interruption, obliges and grabs Valjean as he runs past him. "Now, what seems to be the trouble here, Inspector?" he asks.

"That man - he's under arrest!" cried Javert dramatically.

The crowd gasps. "Monsieur l'Inspector, you cannot arrest our Bishop!" cries one of the women.

"Oh, he's no bishop," snarls Javert. "He's he's public enemy number one!" This, of course, is not true - but Javert thinks the fact that he's madly chasing after a man who only took a loaf of bread and coin might sound ridiculous to the passengers of the S.S. Miserables, so he quickly comes up with a face-saving lie.

The crowd gasps again, and Valjean stutters in denial and disbelief. The crowd suddenly bursts into applause, and Javert, being pompous and arrogant, thinks they are thanking him for catching a public enemy and takes a bow. He is thoroughly crushed and embarrassed, however, when the crowd (with a good deal of work) lifts Valjean over their heads and carries him away. Javert is left alone on the dock, shocked and angry. Eponine suddenly strides onto the deck, also shocked and angry having just found out about Marius and Cosette's new romance. They tell each other their stories, and Eponine sighs and sings "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, but now God knows anything goes." Javert continues the song, and the two are eventually joined by the rest of the company in the rousing tap number that serves as the Act I Finale: _"Anything Goes."_


	2. Act II

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ACT II.

**Scene I: The Ship's Nightclub**

The passengers of the S.S. Miserables honor Valjean for putting their boat on the map with a hymn-like rousing tap number _("Public Enemy Number One")_. This infuriates Javert to no end, and he tries once again to arrest Valjean, but the passengers won't have it. Enraged, Javert storms out of the nightclub and arrests the first person he sees -Marius.

Eponine, whose affection for Marius has turned to bitter hatred as she was repeatedly ignored, witnesses the arrest and dubs Javert "her hero." She realizes she's madly in love with the inspector as the stage goes black.

**Scene II: The Ship's Jail Cell**

Marius is thrown into the jail cell on the ship by Javert and finds that there is someone else also serving his time - his law buddy Courfeyrac, who, needless to say, is shocked to find that Marius is here instead of in France doing the important law work that needs to be completed or their hineys are in the street. Marius sighs, and begs Courfeyrac's forgiveness. Courfeyrac responds, "Of course! That's what friends are for! We're together, Marius, through thick and thin!" The two proceed to sing a rousing tap number in honor of their great relationship _("Friendship.") _They pose, and the stage goes black.

**Scene III: On Deck, Later that Evening**

Valjean, returning from the celebration in the nightclub with fangirls giggling behind him, informs Cosette of Marius's arrest before going off with his newfound "playmates." Cosette, convinced Marius is a dangerous criminal and they will never be able to live happily ever after, sings the heartwarming, rousing tap number _"Goodbye, Little Dream." _At the end of the song, she decides she doesn't care is Marius is a dangerous killer who could rape her and snap her neck like a twig and leave her for dead. She resolves to break him out of jail, and runs off to do so right away.

Immediately after she exits, Javert and Eponine drag a half naked Valjean onto the deck amidst the offstage protests of his many female admirers. Valjean, in an attempt to "strike a little deal" with Javert, flirtatiously sings a few bars of the (a)rousing tap number _"Let's Misbehave." _Javert cuts him off with a snide "You already have, Valjean - that's why I'm going to throw you in jail now." Eponine mimics Javert's smirk as the two drag him off in the direction of the ship's jail cell.

**Scene IV: The Ship's Jail Cell**

Marius and Courfeyrac are getting very, very depressed in jail. They're beginning to think they're going to be in there for the rest of their pathetic lives, and by the time Javert and Eponine deliver Valjean to the jail cell they are both in tears. "Aw, cheer up boys! Jail ain't so bad!" cries Valjean upon seeing their tear-stained faces. "And trust me, I know." He then reveals to the two his little secret to staying happy amoung the sorrow and misery of jail - singing! - in a rousing tap number _("Be Like The Bluebird".) _The song, however, is not much consolation to Messieurs Marius and Courfeyrac - in fact, all it does is convince them of Valjean's insanity. At the end of the song, they burst into tears once more.

Luckily, at that precise moment, Cosette shows up to bust them out, and does so with great ease - Javert forgot to lock to cell door when he left! Ha ha! Marius and Cosette happily embrace, to the whoops and cheers of Courfeyrac and Valjean. The two then go out for a romantic moonlight stroll, and sing a nonsensical rousing tap number about their romance _("It's De-lovely".) _Valjean and Courfeyrac provide the back-up vocals.

**Scene V: On Deck, That Night**

Eponine and Javert return from their exhausting arrest, and relax in the moonlight on the ship's deck. Eponine confesses her everlasting and undying love for Javert, who is shocked, and in turn sings about his ever-growing desire to "misbehave" in the rousing tap number _"The Gypsy in Me."_

After the song, the two disappear into Eponine's room as Marius and Cosette emerge from Marius's room. They sing another rousing love ballad/tap number about their affections _("All Through the Night".)_ Enjolras overhears the song and bursts into tears as Marius and Cosette return to their room once more. Courfeyrac enters, and upon seeing Enjolras bawling like a little child, proceeds to ask him what's wrong.

"Oh, nothing," replied Enjolras sarcastically. "My fiancé, my beautiful fiancé, the love of my life, just left for me another man, that's all!"

Some sailors who are sweeping the deck overhear this sorrowful statement, and immediately rush over to comfort this aching soul. Led by a sensitive and understanding Courfeyrac, the sailors comfortingly serenade Enjolras with the rousing tap number _"They'll Always be a Lady Fair." _By the end of the song, Enjolras is feeling much better and invites Courfeyrac up to his room for some "male bonding." Courfeyrac quickly accepts, and the two exits amidst whoops and cat-calls from the sailors.

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Scene VI: On Deck, the Next Morning

All of the passengers are gathered on the deck for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Marius and Cosette decide that this is the perfect time to announce their engagement, and they do so to cheers and mad applause from the passengers, who really have no idea who they are but like an excuse to clap and cheer. Caught up in the moment, Javert and Eponine announce their engagement as well.

There is a stir amoung the sailors - Enjolras and Courfeyrac enter, hand in hand, smiling and giggling. One of the sailors tells them "We're all announcing our engagements now - and I think it's your turn!"

So Enjolras and Courfeyrac announce their plans to stay in England, get married, and open up a bed and breakfast. Everyone applauds and cheers again, but the crowd goes quiet as Valjean suddenly emerges from amidst the passengers.

"I have no engagement to announce, since it's illegal to marry 18 women," Valjean says slowly, "but there is something I'd like to ask someone." He gets down on one knee in front of Javert and says in a calm, collected, if slightly unsure voice, "Javert, there's something I'd like to ask you."

"Go ahead," replies Javert anxiously.

"Will you set me free?" asks Valjean.

Javert, who is so ecstatic about finally getting laid, immediately answers, Of course, Valjean! You're free to go!" The crowd bursts into more cheers and applause, and they all celebrate with the rousing tap number known only as _"Finale."_

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THE END.


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